The One with the Important Dinner
by The One With All The Twilight
Summary: AH oneshot written for the Twi/FRIENDS contest. Chaos ensues while the gang is getting ready for Bella’s important dinner.


**"The one with all the Twilight"**

**Twi-Friends contest entry**

**Story Title: **The One with the Important Dinner

**Disclaimer:**_ Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Saga and all of its wonderful characters. I think Warner Brothers owns Friends with all of its crazy lovable characters._

_This is a story that I wrote with my favorite Twilight characters living the lives of my favorite Friends characters. I call it Twilight in Friends Mode._

_This is all done in fun with no malicious intent at all. Since I have been thinking of a way to combine Twilight and Friends for almost a year now, I thought, "Why not enter this contest?" _

_So here it is… My Twi-ends entry._

_PS… I took Friends added some Twilight, and made it totally my own. Please don't get upset because I didn't use direct quotes from Friends or Twilight._

_Special thanks to my beta, who shall remain nameless at this point._

**Rating: M ~ **I am rating this story based on the Television Ratings guide for the Friends episodes... But since there is nothing similar, I am going to put it as an **M** since there are a few adult themes. What kind of Twi-ends episode would it be if it didn't contain adult themes?

(In case you need it… word count: 8075 without disclaimer and etc.)

The One with the Important Dinner

Told from Bella's POV

"Almost done," I said as I checked my lasagnas for the third time. I shut the oven door and neatly placed the pot holders in their spot near the stove. I walked out of the kitchen and noticed that my living room was still void of people. "Edward, aren't you ready yet?"

My fiancée walked out of our bedroom in a t-shirt and boxer briefs. "Tada."

"Is that what you are wearing?" I asked.

He spun around and held out his arms. "What? Is this not good enough for your parents?"

A worried look crossed my face. "Really, Edward? You're doing this now?"

He gave me his charming smirk and said, "Well, this is way more than I wore when I had that moon landing with your dad at his gym. I think that no matter what, he'll be happy I'm dressed."

I walked over to Edward. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, spun him around to face our room, and shoved him hard. "Just get dressed."

He stumbled forward. "All right, but only because you asked so nicely," he retorted.

The second Edward shut our bedroom door; the other bedroom door in the apartment flew open. My roommate, Alice, came clomping out in two different shoes with two different heel heights. She had one dress draped from a hanger around her neck and two other dresses on hangers – one in each hand. She looked ridiculous.

"Okay, Bella. I need your help. What should I wear?"

"You don't have it picked out yet?" I asked, looking at the clock on my wall. "We don't have much time for talking clothes right now."

"There's always time for fashion. I just need your opinion," she said as if she had all of the time in the world.

I pointed to the yellow dress that was draped over her. "What wrong with that one around your neck?"

"Well, with this one, I am stuck wearing these higher heels," she answered, lifting her left foot and wobbling on a black four inch heel. "But, if I wear this one," she swung the pink dress in front of her, "I can wear the more comfortable shoe." She switched feet and balanced on the lower heel. "But this one," she said flinging out the pink dress and swooshing in the aqua dress, "I could wear the gorgeous heels, but switch if my feet begin to hurt." She jutted out one hip as she stood with both feet together.

"I think whatever you pick will be perfect," I said, hoping that she would just hurry and get dressed.

She dropped her arms and gave me a hurt, pouty look. "Bella, this is a really important night for you, isn't it? I figure you would want to have some sort of input."

"You know I suck when it comes to putting together outfits." Alice stood with that same pouty look, waiting for me to choose something. "Fine… go with the aqua dress," I said, pushing her towards her room. "Now hurry!"

"All right, but…" she was saying as I shut the door before she could finish her sentence.

Just then, the door to the apartment flew open and Emmett came bounding in wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt. He made a bee line straight for the fridge.

"Emmett, what are you doing? Did you forget that you promised to be here for dinner in an hour?"

"Nope," he said, pulling out a carton of OJ and a jar of jam. He set them on the table and started digging through the kitchen drawers. "I just need a pre-sex snack. Victoria's over. She wants to show me her secret." He winked at me as he set his utensils on the table.

I sat at the table and rubbed my head. "Emmett, my parents are going to be here in an hour," I explained.

"Oh, that's cool! It won't take that long," he said, picking up the Milk Master 2000 and opening the juice. He set the carton on the table and picked up the jam and spoon.

I saw his foot step onto the chair. I went to yell at him about putting his dirty shoe on my clean chair, but I caught a glimpse of something worse. "Oh, my eyes! My eyes!" I screamed, squeezing my eyes shut. "Emmett! That's gross! Put your leg down!"

I listened as he set his foot on the floor. "What?"

"Your… mouse is peeking out if it's house."

"Oh," he laughed with a booming laugh. "I always go commando before having time with a lady. He needs to breathe and get ready for the ride."

I opened one eye to make sure the coast was clear. "Just promise you'll keep the mouse in its house while my parents are here."

"Not a problem," he said just before a spoon of jam into his mouth. He licked the spoon off and smiled his big, dimpled grin. "I think it's time to get busy," he said winking at me as he left the apartment.

As I was busy cleaning up Emmett's mess, Edward came out of my room fully dressed in a white t-shirt underneath a black sweater and nice grey pants. He looked absolutely handsome.

"Is this better?" he asked doing a pirouette in the middle of the living room.

I couldn't help but to giggle. "Much better. Just promise you won't twirl into my dad's lap tonight, Mr. Baryshnikov."

He looked surprised at the realization that he had indeed done a three-sixty into the living room. "It's my mom's fault."

I rubbed his arm and coddled him. "Yes, I know. Elizabeth made you take ballet so she could try to and put the moves on Ms. Garibaldi. You had such a rough childhood." I gave him a small kiss on the cheek and a small reminder. "Please remember that you still live across the hall from me. I'm not sure Charlie and Renee are ready to hear that we live together."

"I haven't forgotten," he said, running his fingers nervously through his copper hair, creating more of a mess on top of his head. "I think you have to worry more about Emmett remembering."

Alice came out of her bedroom, announcing, "I think I am finally ready."

I turned to look at her. "Um… Al... I thought you were going to go with the aqua dress," I said, taking notice of the magenta dress she was wearing.

"You know nothing about fashion, Bella. I picked this one, because I'll have more shoe options as the night goes on." She paused for a moment before she said, "Maybe I should opt for something in a neutral color to go with any shoes that I choose."

"No!" I yelled. I lunged for her and fell flat on the floor.

Alice and Edward both helped me to my feet.

One asked, "How did you manage this?" and the other said, "Clumsy, fragile girl."

I balanced myself on my own two feet. "I'm all right!"

"Alice, you look beautiful just the way you are. What you need to do is go get started on making the garlic bread."

"I almost forgot," she squealed, bouncing off towards the kitchen.

Edward looked at me with a terrified look on his face. "Are you sure she can handle making garlic bread?"

I waved my hand at him and said, "Sure. I hand wrote out the instructions on 3x5 cards and color numbered them. It's a fool-proof system."

"Oops," Alice trilled from the kitchen.

Edward's eyes widened. "I'm sure it _was_ a fool-proof system," he said walking by me to the couch.

He was turning on the television as I walked into the kitchen. I caught Alice straightening the cards into a neat stack. "Hey Bell," she chimed as if nothing was wrong.

I looked around the kitchen and saw that nothing was out of place or spilled. I cautiously asked, "What was the 'oops' about, Alice?"

"That was a pre-emptive oops. I was getting it out of the way." She walked over to me and pushed me out of the kitchen. "Now go. This is my job."

I turned to her, saying, "I really don't mind helping."

"No, I can do it on my own. Now go!" She shooed me away.

I reluctantly walked into the living room and saw Edward sitting on the couch watching RuPaul's Drag Race on the Logo channel.

I stifled a laugh and said, "Umm… Edward, couldn't you pick something a little less…"

"Gay?" he finished as if he were reading my mind.

"I didn't want to say that," I said. "But, yes."

"You know ChiChi reminds me of mom's girlfriend, Esme, don't you?"

"Yes, and she was the best dad ever... I understand, but please, Edward… we are trying to get my parents to like you so we can tell them that we are engaged."

Edward huffed and turned the channel to a dodge ball game on ESPN8, The Ocho. "Better?"

It wasn't, but I figured my parents wouldn't be as offended as much, so I said, "Much better."

Just then, my brother, Jazz, came in through the front door. He looked so depressed. "Hi," he said in his best imitation Eeyore voice.

"Hey Jazz," Edward said from the couch, not taking his attention away from the TV. "I'm catching some dodge ball on The Ocho. Wanna join me?"

"Bella made you turn it from Logo?"

"Yeah," Edward said as if he were defeated again.

"What's wrong, Jazz?" I asked my depressed older brother.

"It's Tanya. She's still trying to talk me into having a baby with her," he said sadly. "She's talking about taking me to court to get my sperm."

"Well, there's no way she would win that. She divorced you to go to work for that escort service."

"I would hardly call Big Leon a purveyor of fine escort services," Edward added from the couch.

I rolled my eyes at Edward and went back to my conversation with Jazz. "So, what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know. I don't want to have a baby with Tanya," he said, looking over me into the kitchen at Alice. He let out a very depressing sigh and mumbled, "Alice doesn't even know I exist."

"Yes she does," I said, pushing him towards the couch. "I need you to keep Edward out of trouble for me."

Jazz sat next to Edward and picked up the remote. "Do you mind if I turn it to the Discovery Channel? They are running a special about fire ants tonight."

Edward glared at Jazz. "So, women throwing balls around doesn't quite do it for you?"

Rosalie came into the apartment carrying two large bags. "Hi guys!" she said cheerfully.

"Hey, Roses. Let me help you with that." I took one of the bags from her and about fell over from the weight of it. "What's all of this?"

"Heidi, asked me to bring over a baseball so she can impress some guy with it," she explained.

"So you brought two bags full of baseballs?"

"No. I have the baseball in one of these bags. The rest are shoes Alice asked me to bring over."

"Well, let's take them to Alice's room," I said pulling the heavy bag behind me. As I passed the couch, Jazz and Edward sat ignoring me. "No, don't get up. I got it," I said in a loud, sarcastic tone.

Edward glanced back at me and said, "Oh... okay. Good."

Rose and I made it to Alice's room. She helped me put the bag on Alice's bed and did the same with her bag.

"So how many pairs of shoes are in here?" I asked as I started going through the bag.

"Twenty-four pairs total," Rose answered me. "I made each pair with a lot of love."

I pulled out a pair of platform sandals. The soles were filled with a weird looking blue liquid. I sloshed them around and said, "I don't think Alice will like these."

"Oh, she has to love those. They're bubblicious. Watch…" She took the shoes from me and put them on. She started walking across the room. With each step she took, bubbles would shoot out of the back of them.

"Make sure you really sell those to Alice," I said. I giggled at the thought of the fashionista wearing those shoes as she gracefully walked around the city.

Rose and I walked back into the living room. We were greeted with a loud banging coming from the hallway followed by a man's voice yelling, "Emmett, I know she's in there with you!"

I went to my door to see what was going on. My friends crowded in behind me. They were just as curious as I was. Alice ran out of the kitchen carrying a bottle of blue Windex spray.

"Umm… Alice, you're not cooking with that are you?" I asked. I had the feeling that I should have stayed in the kitchen to supervise her.

"No. It's to blind the guy in case he comes at us," she explained, obviously proud of herself.

"Good plan, Alice," Jazz said, in total support of his secret crush.

"Ready guys?" I asked with my hand on the door knob.

"Wait," Alice said as she twisted the blue nozzle on the Windex bottle. "I had to make sure it was on stream so we can get some distance."

I looked at everyone. "Are we all ready now?"

My friends nodded. I flung the door open. Across the hall from us, pounding away on Emmett's door was a tall, blond man wearing a pair of tight jeans and a black jacket. He was rather large and muscular, and very threatening.

"Open up! I know Victoria is in there! She can't keep any secrets. She told me she would be here!"

Emmett's door flew open. Emmett was standing in the doorway, naked, holding his stuffed grizzly bear, Muggsey, over his stomach.

"My eyes!" I yelled for the second time as I diverted my eyes. "The mouse, Emmett! Cover the mouse!"

"Nice, Emmett. Although I would size that as more of a Capybara," Rose said.

My friends and I looked at her surprised at her comment.

"What?" she asked innocently. "I'm just saying that it's big."

Jazz had to add, "Capybara is the largest rodent on the planet."

And that made Edward come out with the smart ass comment, "Thank you, Jack Hanna. As if we thought she was opting for the smallest rodent."

"That would be the pygmy jerboa," Jazz said, proud of the fact he actually knew it.

"How did you track me down here, James?" Victoria asked.

My friends and I all turned our attention back to the unfolding drama back across the hall.

She stepped into the hall way wearing nothing but one of Emmett's shirts. She was carrying her pants and shoes in one hand. She took her other hand and tried smoothing out her red hair that was flying about everywhere. "I thought for sure I had hidden well enough this time."

"Victoria, tracking you down is like trying to find an ice cream in an ice cream truck," James answered. She looked puzzled by his reply, so he explained it further. "You texted the date to me the other day, Victoria."

"I did? I thought that was the calendar on my phone."

James patted the top of her head. "Why don't you go downstairs, and I'll talk to this… mimbo."

"Okay, James," she said and kissed his cheek. "Bye, Emmett," she said, kissing his cheek as well. She turned to us and waved. "Bye!"

We each lifted a hand and watched her disappear around the corner.

Once she was gone, James looked at Emmett. "Thanks, man. I'll do my best to get you that training job down at the gym."

"Not a prob, James. Thanks for the trade."

"I'll call you later and let you know." James turned and waved at us and walked around the corner.

Again, my friends and I each lifted a hand and stared as he walked away. Once he was gone, we looked at Emmett smiling.

"Well, this was fun. I'm going back to watching the Ocho," Edward said.

Jazz corrected him. "Uh, don't you mean Discovery?"

Edward grabbed the remote from Jazz's hand and said, "Not if I get there first." He ran right into the table and Jazz reclaimed the remote.

"You traded sex for a training job?" Rose asked, slightly disgusted.

Emmett proudly nodded. "James is my key into the most prestigious training job up for grabs in the city right now. If I get this, my career will skyrocket."

"You do know that this makes you a gigolo, right?" I pointed out.

Emmett looked puzzled for a moment. "I'm not a gigolo. I'm a McCarty."

"Just go shower and get dressed," I said. "My parents will be here any minute."

"You worry too much, Bella." He turned and mooned us before shutting the door.

"He looks just as good going," Rose said, winking at me.

I was going to question Rose on her feelings for Emmett when the aroma of burning cheese hit my nose. "My lasagnas!" I ran into the kitchen and flung open the oven. Black smoke spilled into the kitchen. "Open that window, Alice."

Alice quickly opened the window as I pulled out the three burnt lasagnas, one-by-one. "They're ruined! What am I going to do for dinner now?"

Alice chimed in with, "I still have the garlic bread to finish."

Then Rose added, "I have some Tic-Tacs in my purse."

"Thanks, guys, but I need to come up with something a little more substantial." I dumped the lasagnas into the trash. I started rifling through the fridge to see what I had on hand to cook. All I had was a small package of venison that I was saving for Edward's and my celebratory dinner. It would just have to do.

"Is it okay if I put the bread in the oven, Bella?" Alice asked holding her tray of garlic bread.

"Yes, please. I need to get busy cooking." I started chopping an onion while Alice put the tray into the oven.

"Alice, you need to see the shoes I brought for you to try," Rose said, pulling Alice out of the kitchen,

It took fifteen minutes of prep, five minutes of browning the venison and boiling water, and I had my hearty soup simmering away when there was a knock on the door. I ran to the door and answered it.

"Hey, Bella. I told you I would be on time," Emmett said as he scooped me up and gave me a big bear hug.

"You can put me down now," I squeaked.

He gently set me down and said, "You should be proud of me. I am only going half-commando tonight.

"What is that?" my mom, Renee, asked as she and my dad, Charlie, walked up behind Emmett.

Emmett quickly mouthed the word 'boxers' and turned to greet my parents. "Hello Mrs. Swan… Chief Swan. How are you?"

"We're good," my dad answered.

Jazz walked up to Renee and gave her a hug. "Hi, mom… dad."

"How's my baby boy?" she asked excitedly.

He blushed when she called him that. "I'm good. You both remember Edward, don't you?"

My dad sneered. "Yes."

Edward held out his hand and said, "Hello Chief and Mrs. Swan. Nice seeing you again."

My mom curled her lip in contempt at Edward and asked, "You're the boy with two moms, right? Esmerelda and Eliza?"

Edward was just about to correct her, but I elbowed him in the ribs. "Um… mom, why don't you and dad go with Edward and Jazz in the living room while I get you some drinks."

As I walked into the kitchen, I heard Charlie say, "Edward, we have a lesbian working at the station now… I'm just sayin'."

When I arrived in the kitchen and was surprised to see Emmett standing as still as a statue looking out of the window. I hadn't realized that he had managed to sneak by me. "Emmett, what are you doing in here?" I looked in the simmering pot to make sure he wasn't helping himself to the soup.

His words came out muffled as if his mouth were stuffed full. "I needed a pre-dinner snack."

"What do you have in your mouth?" I asked as I scanned the counters and cabinets for clues to what he was eating.

"Nothing," he answered with his mouth still obviously full.

I spun Emmett around to face me. His face was covered with tomato sauce and cheese. There was a tiny piece of lasagna noodle on his chin. "You're eating the lasagna out of the trash?" I about gagged.

He swallowed what he had in his mouth. "Well, technically this was right on top of the trashcan still in the pan. It wasn't touching anything. Besides, I couldn't find anything else to have for my warm-up meal."

I looked behind him and saw the pan of half-eaten lasagna sitting on the counter. "If you throw that away, I promise to get you an Emmett Special at the sub shop after my parents leave."

"Two subs?" he asked excitedly.

I nodded. "Yes."

He glanced back at the lasagna and said, "Deal." He tossed the pan back into the trash and washed up.

Alice came bouncing into the kitchen followed by Rose. "Hey Emmett!" they chimed in unison.

He looked them up and down. "How's it goin'?" he asked in his smarmy voice with a large grin that showed off his dimples.

"Oh, please," said Alice. "That has never worked on us."

Rose just giggled into her hand.

"Emmett, would you please get a beer from the fridge and take it to my dad? And here, take this wine to my mom."

"Sure thing."He took the wine from me and stopped on the way out of the kitchen to pick up my dad's beer.

Alice pulled her garlic bread out of the oven. "Perfect," she squealed with pride.

Rose and I got busy setting the bowls onto the table. She glanced at my dad and whispered to me, "I had a dream about your dad last night. It was so hot."

I walked back into the kitchen, a little disturbed at the thought of Rose having a hot dream about my dad. "Really?"

"Yeah. We were on a date…"

I interrupted her. "I really don't want to hear this."

Alice chimed in with, "Hush, Bella. Keep going, Rose. Wait, who are we talking about?"

"I had a dream about Charlie last night," Rose told her. "We were on a date and he was telling me that he was married. Then Marcel Marceau came into the café, beat up Charlie, and kidnapped me. He put me in an invisible box in a tree and left me. Emmett came along, climbed the tree and saved me." She giggled and finished with, "My monkey man is such a hero."

"That is awesome that he dream rescued you," Alice said.

As the three of us finished setting the table, I called out, "Soup's on!"

Edward turned off the television. "Great game," he said. "The Seahawks were really kicking some ass out there."

Charlie rolled his eyes as Jazz corrected Edward, "No, no… That's hockey. You mean the Thunderbirds."

Emmett laughed. "You both need to watch more real ESPN. The Seahawks are football. The Thunderbirds are hockey. We were watching baseball… the Mariners… and they were losing."

Everyone settled into their spots around the table. As Alice began serving her garlic bread, I served my venison soup. I ladled a large bowl for my mom and placed it in front of her.

She made a sour face as she looked at it. "Soup as an appetizer? Real original for someone who works for the Cuisine Channel."

"It's not the appetizer, it's the meal," Rose corrected her.

"It's good, mom," Jazz said as he sipped some.

Alice chimed in with, "Here have a piece of my garlic bread."

Renee took the small plate from Alice and looked at it. "Sweetie, what is on here?"

We all looked at our own slices of garlic bread as Alice listed off the layers.

"Well, I started off with a slice of Italian bread. I brushed on melted butter. I sprinkled on minced garlic… which I minced myself. Then I added a layer of jam followed by a slice of mozzarella. Then I finished it with a sprinkle of grated parmesan.

I swallowed hard. "Did you say jam, Alice?"

She smiled proudly and nodded. "I hope it was okay that I used grape jam instead of plum. I didn't see what kind I should use and it wasn't listed on any of the cards."

I smiled at Edward and asked him to follow me into the kitchen. I picked up the stack of three by fives. As I flipped through them, I saw a card with a blue number on it instead of an orange number. I pulled it out of the stack and shook it into Edward's face. "A blue number!" I whisper-yelled. "It has a blue number!"

Jazz walked into the kitchen and asked, "What's going on Bella? What's wrong?"

Edward shrugged at him. "She's yelling about a blue number."

"Alice mixed up the recipe cards. This one has a blue number. The blues were for a dessert recipe that I am working on."

"I thought the blues were for forgetting your troubles, not causing them."

"Shut _up_, Edward!" I yelled.

"So, you didn't want jam on the garlic bread?" Jazz asked.

"You are both idiots," I said. "No. I did not want jam anywhere near the garlic bread."

"Oh thank God! It smelled horrible," Edward said.

"What are we going to do? If Alice finds out, she'll be devastated," Jazz said very concerned.

"I'll take her into our room and distract her. You both explain the situation to everyone so they won't hurt her feelings," Edward suggested.

"Let's get to it," I said, carrying my cards back to the table.

"Alice, can I show you something in the bedroom?" Edward asked, pulling her out of her chair into our room.

"I'm sure he wants to show her something," Renee scoffed.

I was about to ask why she said that, but Jazz stepped in and said, "We don't have a lot of time. Alice accidentally mixed up the recipe cards. She wasn't supposed to add the jam onto the garlic bread."

I interrupted with, "She had a blue mixed in with the orange." I flipped through the cards showing off the numbers to everyone.

Jazz took the cards away from me and set them on the table. "Anyway… You cannot tell Alice that she messed up. Just pretend that you like it."

"Edward, that's just gross," Alice shrilled as she flew out of the room.

"Well, I was just trying to show you my mind reading trick. I thought that's what you had on your mind," Edward explained.

"As if," Alice said, sitting in her spot at the table.

The phone rang and Emmett jumped up. "I have it!"

Renee watched as Emmett ran for the phone. "Bella, why is that boy answering your phone?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"Hello," Emmett said. "Hey James! … Are you serious? ... Thanks!" Emmett hung up the phone and turned to us. "I'm Matt Damon's personal trainer for the next Bourne movie that starts filming here next week!"

We jumped up and took turns congratulating Emmett on his new training job.

"We should totally celebrate," Rose suggested.

"Not until you all eat my garlic bread," Alice added shortening Emmett's congratulations.

We all mumbled and moaned as we took our spots at the table. We sat glancing around at each other to see who was going to be the first one brave enough to take a bite. Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"I got it," Rose said dropping her piece of garlic bread as she jumped up from the table. "What a shame! Looks like I can't enjoy some of your bread, Alice."

"That's okay," Alice said. "I have an extra slice."

"Great," Rose mumbled as she walked to the door.

"Bella, I can't believe that you allow just anyone to open your door without knowing who it is first," Charlie said in full police chief mode. "You live in the big city now. You're not in Forks anymore."

"I know who it is, Charlie," Rose assured him. "It's my twin, Heidi." Rose opened the door and yelled, "You're not Heidi."

"No, I'm Alice's sister," the blonde haired, amber eyed girl answered.

"Jane!" Alice screeched. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh Alice!" said Jane as she pushed past Rose. "I am so glad that I found you."

Alice ran up to her and they hugged. "Jane, you remember everyone, don't you?"

Emmett pulled out the sleazy smile and said, "How's it goin'?"

Alice pointed her tiny little finger at him and scolded him like a dog. "No!"

"Hi, Jazz," Jane smiled and waved at him. "How are you?" She winked at Jazz.

Alice interrupted Jane's flirting. "What's going on, Jane?"

"You won't believe what's happened to Kate." Jane said with excitement.

Alice got all wide-eyed and ready for some sisterly gossip. "What?"

"Kate had some sort of allergic reaction at the pool. It has something to do with the dye in her swimsuit mixing with the chlorine. She wound up with a major pimple break-out."

Alice was almost thrilled to her of her sister's demise. "Face and back?"

Jane shook her head. "Boobs and butt."

"So, why are you giving me this juicy Kate tidbit?" Alice asked suspiciously.

"She ratted me out to daddy about buying some boots on his charge card," Jane said with a bitter tone that gave me the shivers.

"There's nothing wrong with buying boots on daddy's card. We have all done it."

"Well, this pair had diamonds in the heels and cost about ten grand…" Jane began explaining.

"That still doesn't sound so bad, Jane." Alice said.

Then Jane finished with, "Each."

Alice's jaw dropped. "Yeah. That's not good."

"That's not the worse part. Daddy took his card away and I need some shoes for the Regatta Gala tomorrow."

"Well, let's go to my room and see what we can find for you?" Alice said rubbing Jane's arm in a consoling way.

"Make sure you show her the bubblicious ones," Rose said.

"I don't think…" Alice trailed off as she saw Jane blow a kiss to Jazz. "Come on, Jane. I have some awesome bubbly shoes you might like." Alice pushed her towards her room. She turned back to us and said, "No one touch your bread while I'm gone. I want to watch you enjoy it."

"Awww," Emmett groaned with false disappointment.

"Don't you worry, Emmett. We won't be too long," Alice said following Jane into her room.

"All right," Emmett said nervously.

As soon as Alice's door shut, there was another knock on the door. Rose got up and answered it. "Heidi, you're late."

"I'm not Heidi," Mr. Marbles, our upstairs neighbor, said.

I walked over to the door. "Mr. Marbles, what do you want now?"

"You all need to speak up so I can hear you better. My cable is out. The wife is shopping. Ugly Naked Girl is working out… seen that too many times. I'm bored," he explained, puffing on his pipe and tightening his silk robe.

Emmett, Jazz, and Edward all ran for the window when they heard that Ugly Naked Girl is working out. They loved to stare at her for some reason.

"Well, we aren't going to entertain you right now. Go talk to Mike Newton in 5B. He just moved in and has no friends."

"New guys just aren't as fun," Mr. Marbles mumbled as he shuffled off down the hall.

"Sorry about that," I said, shutting the door.

"Is that man always that odd?" Charlie asked. "Do you want me to run his name in the database?"

I huffed at my overprotective father. "Dad, he is just a harmless old man."

Charlie shook his head at me. "You can never be too careful in the big city, Jingle Bells."

"Man, Ugly Naked Girl is really slimming down," Jazz observed.

"She's going to be Pretty Naked Girl soon," Edward agreed.

"I may just have to offer her my services," Emmett chuckled.

I cleared my throat to get their attention. "Guys?"

All three turned to look at me, bringing them back to reality. I motioned for them to come over to the table and the reluctantly complied.

"Sorry, Bella," Edward said.

Alice and Jane walked out of the bedroom. Alice was pointing to Rose's bubblicious shoes and was saying, "Definitely these! They will be the talk of the Gala."

Jane sloshed the shoes. "Are you sure they aren't too weird?"

Alice led Jane straight to the front door. "Definitely! Call me after the Gala." As Alice was shutting the door after Jane, someone pushed the door back open. "Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry," a beautiful girl said. "I'm looking for Rosalie."

Rose jumped up. "Heidi!"

"How's it goin'?" Emmett asked sleazily from the chair.

And much like Alice's response, Rose pointed her finger at him and yelled, "Don't!" She turned back to Heidi and asked, "Why are you late?"

"I had to bring Garrett, Jr. with me." She walked into the apartment pulling Rose's younger brother behind her.

"She was hot," he said, referring to Jane.

"Hi Garrett," Rose said, hugging him.

"Hi." He walked over to the table and looked at the bread. "What's this?"

"Garlic bread," Alice answered cheerily.

Garrett half-laughed the word, "Okay." He was a man-boy of few words.

"You have that baseball?" Heidi asked.

"Yeah, come with me," Rose said. She and Heidi walked to Alice's room.

We all stared at Garrett as he stood staring at us. It was very uncomfortable, especially when he finally asked Edward, "Do you have any condoms? I want to inflate some and burn them later when I am bored."

We all looked at Edward. My parents gave him the evil eye. Emmett stifled a laugh. Alice was biting her lip trying not to giggle. Jazz looked very puzzled. My jaw dropped.

"Of course he would ask that boy," my mother mumbled to Charlie as he nodded in agreement.

Edward sat looking totally innocent and said, "Me?" as he pointed to his chest.

Garrett looked around the table at each of the guys and said, "I figured that out of the guys here, you would be the only one to have some on hand."

Edward shook his head. "Why do you think that?"

"Well, look at you all." He pointed at my dad. "Old dude that is married with no need for any." He pointed to Emmett. "Muscled dude here probably gets a lot of chicks. He would be running low and not willing to give any out." He pointed to Jazz. "Dude in a suit that makes him look like he probably makes a lot of money. Therefore, he gets a lot of chicks." Then Garrett pointed at Edward. "That leaves you."

"And why don't I get chicks?" Edward asked, more puzzled than anyone.

"Look at you. You're just a blender-inner, not a stander-outer."

My dad said, "If only he knew…"

Jazz jumped up and pulled my arm. "Come on, Bella." He pulled me into the kitchen.

I was confused as Edward looked when we left the table. "What's going on, Jazz?"

"I finally get why mom and dad hate Edward."

After all this time, I was going to find out the reason for their hatred, and I could fix it. Edward and I had the chance to live forever in total happiness. "Spill it."

"Remember that party we had in college at the house when mom and dad were out of town?"

"Of course. That's where I first overheard that Edward loved me. Why?"

Jazz slowly backed away from me as he spoke. "Well, I sort of did some things in mom and dad's bed."

"And that has to do with them hating Edward, _why_?"

"I sort of left a mess of used condoms and vomit and I blamed it on Edward." Jazz smiled his innocent smile as if he could control the anger I was about to unleash on him.

"What?" I couldn't believe him. "You do understand that you will tell mom and dad about this, right? They will never accept Edward if you don't."

He kept is smile and assured me that he would tell them.

I closely followed him back to the table. Heidi and Garrett had left, and Alice was waiting for someone to take the first bite. Everyone looked to me. I picked up the bread, took a deep breath, and took a small bite of the crust.

"No, Bella. You have to get a bigger bite. Get all of the layers in it," Alice said excited that we were finally going to eat her bread.

I took a larger bite making sure to eat all of the layers. I smiled and chewed. "Mmmmm…." I hummed while swallowing the horrid bite.

Renee said, "You know what? I want to see how my face looks while I taste this wonderful creation. Charlie, why don't you come and take a picture of me while I eat it?"

Charlie jumped up and grabbed his plate. "Then you can get one of me, while I eat mine."

They ran into my room and shut the door.

Alice looked puzzled. "Okay, that was weird."

Rose stood up with her plate. "I really think this needs some fresh air to bring out the flavor. I'm going out to the balcony."

"Me, too," Edward said. He jumped up, grabbing his plate, and followed her.

"Why is everyone leaving? What's going on?"

"I don't know, Al," I said trying, unsuccessfully, to force another bite into my mouth.

Jazz picked up his piece of bread, smiled at her, and mumbled, "Smells like ass."

Emmett took a bite of his bread. "Mmmm." He stuffed the rest of his slice into his mouth, looking like a hamster storing its food. "Great," his muffled voice said.

Jazz leaned over to him and asked, "You like this?"

"What's not to like? Bread… great. Cheese… great. Jam… _Grrrreeeeaaaaaat_." He reached across and took what was left of my slice and stuffed it into his mouth.

Alice looked bummed. "I gave Rose my slice. Can I have a bite of yours?"

She reached for Jazz's plate. He quickly picked up his slice and shoved the whole thing into his mouth. "Mmmmm."

Alice went into the kitchen as she said, "Maybe there's an extra in here."

Jazz spit out as much bread as he could into his napkin. "Tastes like ass, too." He drank down some water to force whatever was left in his mouth down.

"Thanks for wasting your piece, Jazz," Emmett said in disappointment. "I'm going to see if anyone else has any left."

"Jazz when mom and dad come out, you have got to tell them about the party. I want them to like Edward before I tell them about the engagement."

"Fine. When they come out, I'll tell them," he promised.

"No pieces left," Alice moped, leaving the kitchen. "I'll go see if Rose or Edward wants to share a piece of theirs."

As she stepped out onto the balcony, my bedroom door opened. "Thanks, Swans. You are generous," Emmett said, stuffing a piece of bread into his mouth as he came out of my room.

My parents exited the room and sat on the couch. My dad finished his beer and my mom swished some wine around her mouth rinsing out the wretched taste from the bread.

I motioned for Jazz to go talk to them. Jazz smiled at me and walked over to them. "Mom, Dad, I am…"

"A rat? Really?" Alice asked as she walked into the living room from the balcony followed by Edward and Rose.

"I swear, Alice," Edward said. "He ran right up and smelled it and knocked it off the balcony ledge."

"I saw it," Rose said. "He knocked my plate off, too."

"Rats," Charlie said, shaking his head. "That's what you deal with living in the big city."

"What were you saying, Jazz?" Renee asked.

"Well…" Jazz swallowed nervously. He looked at me and I was gesturing for him to just come out with it. "It's about Edward."

My parents turned and glared at Edward. "Go on," they said in unison.

"Well, umm…" Jazz began to take short breaths. He was trying to make himself hyperventilate.

I reached over and pinched his arm to get him to stop. "Tell them!"

"Edward and Bella are engaged."

"What!" my parents yelled in unison as they turned to look at me.

I pointed to Jazz. "Yeah, well, Edward didn't leave condoms and vomit in your bed. That was Jazz!"

They turned back to Jazz with the look of horror. "Jazz?"

"Yeah? Well… Bella and Edward are living together."

Our parents looked back to me with wide eyes and dropped jaws.

"Well, Jazz's wife works as a professional escort and that's why they got divorced!"

They turned back to Jazz, not losing their expressions of pure shock.

"Okay… Edward's a virgin, and Bella is not!" Jazz yelled while giving me an evil smile.

"Thanks, man," Edward gnarled through clenched teeth.

My jaw dropped. "Jazz!"

"This card has a blue number. There shouldn't have been any jam on the garlic bread," Alice said as she flipped through the note cards at the table.

My parents turned to look at Alice, puzzled.

Rose stepped in and yelled, "Charlie, Marcel Marceau can kick your ass!"

Emmett yelled at me, "I'm hungry! I want my Emmett Special!"

"This is nuts," Charlie said, rubbing his forehead.

"This is way too much information in too little of time," Renee said. She guzzled down the last of her wine and stood up. "Alice, sweetie, you were _not_ supposed to put jam on the garlic bread. It was wretched. Emmett, if you're hungry dear, go ahead and leave. We won't judge you. Bella, I think I can speak for your father and myself when I say that we're disappointed you didn't want to tell us about Edward. He is a sweet boy. Jazz, we kind of figured that about Bella. She always has been a forward girl."

"And I can kick Marcel Marceau's ass in my sleep," Charlie announced in a deep, gruff voice. "And I don't mean mime fighting, either."

My mom patted his arm. "That's right, dear."

Charlie looked at Edward without contempt for the first time ever. "Edward, I am so sorry we judged you. You are such a good boy taking care of our Jingle Bells and Jazz. You are welcome to join our family."

"Yes," Renee agreed. "You have already helped Bella to tone down her boldness, and Jazz can learn to straighten up by your examples."

Edward walked over and hugged Renee and shook Charlie's hand. "I try with them, but you know what a handful they can be."

"Jazz, I am so disappointed in you," Charlie said shaking his head. "The condoms, the drunken vomiting, the Tanya issue…"

My mom looked at him sympathetically. "We always sort of figured about her, Jazz. She was a little too low class for you."

"What are we going to do with you?" Charlie asked.

The phone rang. I answered it. "Jazz, it's for you."

He looked at me like he was saved by the bell. "Hello? … Yes. … What happened? … Alright, I'll get there ASAP."

He hung up the phone and with a big, relieved smile, said, "Looks like I have to go. I have an entomology emergency at the zoo."

And that made Edward chime in with a smart ass comment. "They got caught filming Bugs Gone Wild?"

We all glared at Edward who stood running his fingers through his hair and grinning his very charming smile.

"No. Someone put the male praying mantises in with the females. I have to go separate them before a catastrophe occurs."

"I was right," Edward mumbled, surprised.

"Jazz, we are not finished with our talk, son," Charlie said.

"My baby boy the important entomologist," Renee said, giving him a hug. "I am so proud … of this."

***

Jazz walked in as I was sliding the DVD into the player.

"What's going on?" he asked.

I picked up the remote and answered, "Mom and Dad are turning all of our tapes into DVDs and they gave me this one." I pushed play.

Alice came bouncing in across the screen. "Hey Bella!"

"That is the flattest thing I have ever seen," Edward said watching the screen.

"That's the cutting counter in the seamstress shop," Alice said.

"I meant your chest," Edward goaded.

Alice smacked him in the back of the head. "Shut _up_, Edward!"

"Hey, Al, what about this one?" I asked holding a black dress to Alice on the screen.

Alice squealed, "Oh. My. God. I forgot all about this. Look at us getting our prom dresses."

"Well, that is definitely _not_ the flattest thing I have ever seen," Edward said watching me on the screen.

I smacked the back of his head. "Shut _up_, Edward! The camera makes me look bigger."

"How many cameras are focused on your upper lip?" Edward asked. "Did you always support a hedge up there?"

Emmett laughed. "I think she fluffed it out like that to detract from the unibrow."

"Bella, I can't stay. I have to go get my braces off. How am I going to get the final fitting done? Prom is tomorrow," on-screen Alice said in tears.

"I'll take care of it Alice," I said giving her a good-bye hug on the screen.

We all watched as Alice left the seamstress shop. The camera turned to focus on Jazz leaning on a nude mannequin, and working on his pick-up lines. He was wearing a navy cardigan, over a polo style shirt. His hair was neatly combed and parted on the side.

Emmett laughed again. "Oh look, someone changed the channel to Mr. Rodgers."

Edward turned to look at Jazz and asked, "What's going on in your neighborhood? I see you were picking up the mannequin. Does that fall under the creepy puppet fetish?"

"You are all immature. I'm getting a drink," Jazz said, stomping off like a toddler into the kitchen.

We turned back to watch me on the television begging Jazz to stand in for Alice. "Please, Jazz. You guys have the same body type. She needs her dress. She will be heartbroken if she has to go to prom without it."

On-screen Jazz looked at the camera and looked away. "Only for Alice," he mumbled quietly.

The camera cut out to static running across the screen. When it came back, it was focused onto my parents kissing… and naked.

We all screamed and covered our eyes.

Jazz ran out of the kitchen and yelled, "What's going… My eyes!"

My parents moaning was cut short and we all looked back at the television to see Jazz walking out of the changing room wearing Alice's pink prom dress.

"I feel like a retard," he said, spinning around in her dress.

"I'm just glad you two have the same body type," I said.

"Just so you all know, I have bulked up since then," Jazz said puffing out his chest and tapping on it with his fist.

Edward laughed along with Rose and myself.

"I really don't see a difference," Emmett said seriously as he shook his head.

Alice stood up and looked at Jazz. "You were the one that did that for me?" She smiled sweetly at him.

Jazz played with the pull tab on the soda can he was holding. "Yeah, I did that," he admitted, still very embarrassed about being in a dress.

The four of us – Emmett, Rose, Edward, and I – watched as Alice ran up and gave him a kiss.

"I told you she knew you existed, Jazz," I said.


End file.
